During The Last Four Years

It is four twenty-seven in the morning and I can't sleep. I just had a terrible dream. In my dream my spouse of twenty-one years is rape ping me (being very persistent). Why? Because for the last four years (ever since I lost my hearing), I have not been able to make love with my spouse. Why? Well it's a long story. And it all has to do with me and my low self esteem.

Grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and allow me to write my story for you.

When my spouse and I first met it was like an attraction similar to fire and wood. Put the two together and you have more fire kinda like a fire that people sit around to keep warm. People could see just how compatible we were. Some people were even jealous of our newly found fiery relationship. Oh, we (my spouse and I) were tight. You never saw us apart. If you saw one, then you'd see the other. You get the picture.

We met at a dance club called the Foxhole. I (at the time) was a very flirty and sexual being. I had had many sexual adventures so to speak then one day out of the blue comes this very persistent red-head who walks up to me (while I'm trying to get with this other person),  interrupts us and says to me, "Hi I'm .... (and says their name) as if I'm suppose to drop everything and converse with this new person (of whom I'm with today).

Well, it took me one week before I gave into this saucy red-head. And to this day, I have no regrets. Not only were we compatible in public, but behind closed doors our sex life was like a rocket which was always launching to new heights.

You never really realize what senses play a role in sexual behavior until you lose one. For me, it's sound and for some reason (now that I can't hear) my self-esteem and my sex life seem to have vanished.

And Here's The Reality

Even after four years, I am still having trouble adjusting to this new life. My days seem longer and my nights seem shorter. What I mean by that is during the day, the reality of not being able to hear cars, birds, voices, music, television, and being able to talk on the phone among other things are all gone now. Since it is summer break from college, (no stress of college) my days are filled with nothingness. My only escape is sitting on the computer and typing this blog. I am good at editing HTML coding and I do so on both my websites periodically just to have something to do. Although I'm glad it's summer break, I'm a bit bored in life. My nights are shorter because I sleep much better now that I can't hear anything. So I guess being deaf does have it's perks.

As I'm sitting here typing and taking a deep breath. I begin to visualize my life five years from now. I see myself working on a Software Development Team editing code. My dream is to one day be able to work from home either for someone, or for myself. But how do I communicate on my new job with my hearing co-workers? Is it such that I can have a full-time interpreter while I work an eight hour day? If there are any deaf employees reading my blog, please comment and share some light on this subject. Otherwise, what will become of my life now that I'm deaf?

College is certainly not easy for me because as I'm learning in my class (say English class), I'm also having learning sign language (while watching my two interpreters) at the same time.  While my grades so far are pretty good, however, I have hit a few bumps here and there. The stress level last semester almost caused me to drop out.  But luckily, I made it to the end of the semester, and it helps that I have people who are in my corner. It is in part because of them I've decided to continue pursuing my Computer Programming Degree.

What Shall I Do Now?

As I stare at the ceiling from my bed at two o'clock in the morning, I'm wondering what will I do with the rest of my life concerning my career goals. I have much experience with computers and yet I'm wondering just how I'm able to be competitive when it comes to getting an interview for hopefully the job of my dreams. My dream is to one day become a software developer and I'm currently working on a Computer Programming Associates degree. My concern is that my inability to hear will hinder my chances at an interview. I can imagine me and another person with the same credentials going head to head for the same job only that other person can hear and I can't. I wonder whom the employer to be will choose in the end? Then I have all these doubts about getting the opportunity to be a software developer, wondering just how I will communicate with other co-workers. Before I lost my hearing, I was an outgoing type person who easily made friends. Now, being hearing impaired/deaf I've become a more introverted person. Communication is the key, now if only I could figure out just how to do that. After talking with my psychologist, I was given the advice to use more sign language as I speak to others. That way I'm learning new signs all the time expecially when the other person also knows sign language. Truth is, interpreters are good for me to observe and deaf individuals are great for me to practice with. So, I've got to involve myself within the deaf community.  Another dream is to be able to use an interpreter while I'm at work. But who would provide such a service?

Luckily, there is a State Agency called the Division of Services for The Deaf and The Hard Of Hearing. They have been a tremendous help regarding deaf advocacy. That office provides the deaf community with technology devices such as a Captel Telephone (which displays spoken words on a screen so that the deaf individual will know what the hearing person is saying). Another handy device that the Agency provides is a strobe light (which is wired to your door bell and when it is pressed, the strobe light glistens), and yet another handy device the Agency provides is a vibrating device that is attached to a clock to be used as an alarm clock (that one puts under their pillow and when the alarm sounds, the vibrator goes off shacking the pillow to wake the deaf individual) so that they are not late for work. There are all sorts of technical devices that is offered by this Agency. Which reminds me, they even have a small hand-held keyboard used for communicating with a hearing person. I guess one could say, "Technology really is our friend." In thinking about all of this, there really is a way I could lead a productive life. 

Individuals that are born deaf lead very productive lives. It's much easier for them because they grew up within the deaf culture. As I've mentioned in my previous writings, a person who becomes deaf late in life has a much harder time adjusting. After four years of being deaf, I'm still adjusting and it is definitely not easy.    

Having Confidence While Being Deaf

Before I became deaf being confident was rather easy for me. I was more assertive and mostly a positive individual. Since becoming deaf as you can imagine, my positive attitude, assertiveness and confidence soon dwindled. For the first time in many years, I suddenly felt a sense of insecurity about my life and where I was headed. When I observe other deaf individuals, they seem happy in life with all the hopes, dreams and desires that a hearing person has. Only these deaf individuals were born deaf which makes a great deal of difference. Being born into the deaf culture, you learn at a very young age how to communicate using American sign Language. At a young age is also where your parents help guide you to being a more confident person. That is if your parents are deaf as well. But what if your parents are hearing and you as a child are deaf? Makes one wonder how that situation pans out. What I'm trying to say is unless you're born into the deaf culture, it's much harder to become confident because of the new communication barrier that now exists with someone who only now has become deaf. There is a saying in the deaf culture that says, "Technology is our friend." Deaf individuals who are born deaf are use to using a VP (Video Phone) of which I can own but with little knowledge of ASL, a VP would not help me. There are many reasons why my confidence is now lacking.

Often times when I'm in public with my spouse I find myself dependent on my spouse to help me understand what another person (hearing or deaf) might be saying to me. As much as I desire new friends, I'm finding it hard to share myself with others and that's only because I need to learn more ASL.

Lipreading is difficult because people pronounce the same words differently. When someone tries talking with me I immediately tell them I am deaf. But usually they keep right on talking until they realize I'm unresponsive. Being deaf in and of itself gets very lonely especially because I'm caught right in the middle of the hearing vs. the deaf world. By that I mean I can speak unlike someone who's born deaf. I wonder which is harder. Being born deaf and never having heard any sounds in life let alone the spoken word, or becoming deaf late in life having heard lovely sounds and how to speak properly only to have sound taken away by an illness? Go ahead a comment on my blog. I'd like to know your thoughts.

When I first became deaf

   

Deaf Riders Unite

          With no recollection of how I got here, three days later I awake suddenly deaf with hospital staff surrounding me.  One of the Doctors walks over to my bed and starts moving his mouth as if he were talking to me. My head is pounding with sound but this sound is not a familiar nor a describable sound. My ears feel like they have enormous plugs in them. And my head is spinning as if I'm continuously on a ride of some sort. Then the Doctors writes me a message and ask, "How do you feel today Ms. Warren." Puzzled at why he wrote to me instead of spoke to me, I then speak to him and say, "I feel dizzy. What is happening?" (as I panic) I could not hear a word I just spoke. And I panic some more.

     That was four years ago when I slowly accepted my deafness. You see, I came down with Meningitis and till this very day, I have no idea how I became so sick. It took me two years to adjust to my new life of having a disability.

     My life before my sudden hearing loss was that of the usual 9am-5pm worker bee. Only my hours were 6am-3pm Monday-Friday and often on Saturdays. I worked as an Electrician Apprentice. I'm sure your asking how does a woman fair in the construction industry. My answer is we don't. That industry is still very much a man's world and they would like to keep it that way. The caliber of men in the construction industry are those that were alcoholics, drug users, illegal immigrants, and bar goers. Sure, there were some upstanding men I worked around and even they claimed that a woman belongs in the house making babies and what not. It wasn't easy for me working everyday as an Electrician but I had bills to pay. I was gawked and heckled a lot unless I was holding a saw-zaw or carrying ten foot pieces of pipe then I became Rosie The Riviter. Although being an Electrician had it draw-backs, I truly enjoyed my trade and I was good at it. However, I could see the "Glass Ceiling" and I knew in the back of my mind that I had to find another career and soon. I worked as an Electrician for the last fifteen years of my life. Although I have other skills such as typing, software knowledge, and data entry skills, I knew my skills weren't enough to get me back into the "White Collar" industry. My high school diploma wasn't enough and I needed to obtain my Associated Degree. I wasn't eligible to return to college because I was in default on college loans already. So I truly did not know what to do. It seemed my life was at a dead end when suddenly I became ill and lost my hearing.

     In looking back it's almost a blessing in disguise. You see, because of my disability my old defaulted student loans were forgiven. In other words, they were dismissed and I could now go to college on a Pell Grant. And so I did. I am currently seeking an Associates Degree in Computer Programming.

     Stay tuned as I have much more to write about. GOD is GOOD!