My Advice On Becoming Deaf

If there is anyone reading my blog and are becoming deaf late in life, my advice is this. Do yourself a favor and find support groups around your area. If possible, seek a support group before becoming completely deaf. This will help tremendously as you enter and accept your new life. Ask a loved one to go with you to the meetings these support groups have. One such support group you may find if living in the USA is called: Division of Services For The Deaf and Hard of Hearing which is a State Agency. Perhaps there may be such a service in your area.

As I've stated earlier in my journal, becoming deaf is no easy feat by any means. I did not lose my hearing gradually. I lost my hearing suddenly over night with a two percent chance of living. There are many, many people who lose their hearing due to Meningitis.

Another piece of advice I have to share is, "Don't panic". There is life after deafness. It just takes a bit more creativity. Also, for communication, you should learn the art of signing in your native language. American Sign Language is not universal which means there is a sign language system for every language. If you aren't able to take sign language classes, then pick up a book that teaches sign language. You'd be doing yourself a hughe favor by breaking the communication gap with your newly learned sign language.

Sign language takes time to learn. Think of a baby learning to say their first words. Sign language is an on-going learning experience. Just as one's vocabulary may or may not be a big one, so to will your signing be. It's all up to you on how much you want to learn.

Last but not least, remember things could always be worse. Just think of those less fortunate such as the Blind/Deaf persons in our world.  They've never seen or heard anything within this world. I hope this helps. Good luck and may GOD bless you.

Is The Secret Out?

I'm sitting here thinking, "Do I really want to share with the world how I may have become deaf?" Not even my spouse knows this secret I'm contemplating on telling. It's five o'clock in the morning, my spouse is sleeping peacefully while I'm keying on my keyboard and feeling the need to tell my dreadful secret. I know I'm not going to tell my spouse this secret that I've kept for four years because it may cause my spouse respect me less and maybe begin to feel sorry for me and of course no one likes rejection. My spouse may even become angry with me for not telling this secret sooner and for learning of this secret itself. Which leads me to wonder, what I would gain by telling such a secret. Perhaps I should leave things the way they are by not sharing my secret. My spouse hasn't read my blog yet and I certainly haven't pushed it on her. Yes. That's correct. My spouse and I are both female. If you've noticed in my blog I've kept even this a secret until now. I'm sharing this tid bit of information because I'm still contemplating on sharing my biggest secret with the world.

Rejection, guilt, shame, and deserving are words that come to my mind regarding my secret. Right now I'm comfortable with saying, "My hearing loss is GOD's Divine Intervention". Somehow that statement say's it all.

Big Changes In My Social Life

My social life honestly speaking has suffered tremendously. People who were once my friends now tend to shy away from me because of the lack of communication. Even though I try to use pen and paper with them, I can see it's a bit of a burden for them to have to write everything down for me if they intend on talking with me. It saddens me to not be able to hang out with my hearing friends who don't know sign language. Truth is, at first I didn't know Sign Language either so pen and paper was necessary. I've always hoped in the back of my mind that my hearing friends would support me a little by learning some Sign Language on their own. Why just today I was invited to a BBQ by one of my hearing friends, but unfortunately I couldn't attend because my spouse has to work and with out my spouse to interpret for me, what's the point in going.

Then there's the deaf community. I've tried to go to the different events such as, "Silent Dinner Night" where deaf people meet and greet one another and to no avail, my pen and paper routine seemed to be a small burden even for these people. Sometimes just by sheer chance, I would meet a person who's Hard of Hearing. I could talk to them in a very loud voice and they didn't seem to mind writing to me. So, I was able to find some friends after all.

During a Silent Dinner event, I would watch other people as they signed to one another. Oh how I wished I could sign also and join in on conversations that were being held among the deaf. I could see people shrugging their shoulders, nodding their heads, and laughing as they conversed  in Sign Language. I would become amazed at how well the deaf communicated with one another.  Sign Language at that moment became an art. An art I would love to learn.

Just as hearing people pronounce words differently, there is also a significant difference in the way each person signs as well. Some people sign slower than others and I noticed the amount of patience people had while taking turns signing to one another.  This was the beginning of my seeing into a whole different culture which I never knew existed until now. People carried on and the use of sign language I could see was their "first" language, whereas with me, signing is my second language. That big difference shows who was brought up with sign language vs. who was not brought up learning sign language. Deaf culture is very interesting. Now if only I could embrace this new culture as being apart of it.

The Ciaos Before Becoming Deaf

Divine intervention is what I think about having become deaf late in life. I try to keep positive about being deaf, however none the less, it is still very hard for me. The biggest challenge of being deaf is communication and the realization that I will never in this life time hear anything again. I still have my doubts about my life after having become deaf. What will I do. What can I do. Maybe if I start with what can I do, I will become more hopeful. One thing I can do is learn and apply myself to what ever my interest are. I know that one of my interest is in Computer Programming. Another interest I have is writing in my new online journal. Writing helps keep my mind open to new ideas and new thoughts about how I will achieve my goals in life. Yes. I still have goals and would very much like to see myself in a positive light five years from now.

My life before I became deaf was a life of a having a bit of ciaos. Not only was I working as an Electrician but I also liked to venture out and occupy my extra time with doing drugs. My drug of choice was crack cocaine. I had been doing drugs off and on for fourteen years having started in my twenties. I guess you could say I was one of the lucky ones because my habit was such that I would stop using when my spouse would slowly find out. This went on for seventeen years but by the grace of GOD, I never became a hard core drug user. Drug users often though I was a Cop because I still had a clean and refreshed look about me.  One minute I'm on the drug my spouse would find out then I would quit again. Without going into the gory details of my drug use, I can tell you I've been sober now for four years and I'm never going back to using that dangerous and deadly drug again. And if there are any persons reading this that has an addiction please see: http://www.powerfuladdictions.com and get help. 

You see, with my hearing lose, the drug world is no place to be if you're disabled in any way. Why, because those people could care less and will definitely take advantage of you in ANY way they can. People on drugs are ruthless especially the hard-core drug users. And they are willing to do anything to get their next hit. I know because I was once a drug user myself. This is why I call my hearing loss divine intervention. Here's my secret as to why I may have become deaf.
Honestly in thinking, I'm not ready to reveal to the world about how I may have become deaf. Not yet.

Besides, there's plenty more for me to write about. I hope you'll keep reading. Enjoy.

A Tid Bit Of My ChildHood

You're probably wondering what about my family. I grew up as an only child only to find out forty years later I have a half-sister that my father never told me about. My father and I have a strained relationship. I've always said to myself, "That man has too much pride for me," So, we don't speak. It appears he has no sympathy for my becoming deaf. My mother and I email each other from time to time. My relationship with my mother is much better than with my father. My half-sister found me through Facebook. How cool is that. Smiles.

Back when I was a child, my father use to take out his days frustrations on me. I could always sense his mood even before he came home. He was in the business of running a semi successful restaurant lounge called the Whole Person Restaurant.  My father would often beat on me for no reason or he'd find any reason to to be mean or angry with me. He was the type of father who only did things for me in order to put himself in the lime-light for his then girl-friend(s) at the time. Every one on the outside of our relationship saw only the good portions of how well my father treated me. I was the only one who knew the truth. He made it such that if I said anything, people would look at me as through I were crazy. He once gave me a bedroom with all four walls painted with Charley Brown characters. "How lovely", my fathers friends thought. My room had a white canapé bed with ruffles on the canapé. I was probably the only kid on the block that had a huge television in their room not to mention every toy I could possible want. Sure, my fathers friends said I was spoiled. All my childhood friends were envious of me. But if I were really spoiled, then how come behind closed doors all I would see is my fathers anger. I didn't understand. Not to mention he always had a glass of something in his hand and it sure wasn't water.

In looking back, I hated my father. He is a man with too much pride even till this very day. When I could hear he was the type of parent that I found myself always reaching out to. It seemed no matter what the topic of conversation was, he'd always manage to turn the conversation into himself. As if he were so important. My father was the type of man who would blame me for getting hurt as children do from time to time. He would even hit me for hurting myself. I could not turn to him for anything and I hid everything from him especially my thoughts and feelings. You could say my father squashed my young spirit.

Writing in this journal I am able to reflect more specifically on my childhood. I've held my feelings toward my father in for so long that it's causing me to have intense dreams about lashing out at my father for beating me all those times for little things like loosing an earing while at play. Another reason my dad would be angry with me is because he had so many girlfriends that I would get confused and start accidentally using their wrong names.  I didn't have a mother to turn to and it seems now she (my mother) was afraid to come around. Sometimes my mother would make a plan to visit me only to not show at the last minute. Then my father would say in an angry voice, "You know your mom." I always wondered what he meant by that and I often wondered why he and not my mother was raising me.

One day I simply asked my mom, "Was dad nice to you?" And her answer was always, "Well...." and she'd never finish the sentence and change the subject. Then I'd ask a second question, "Mom why can't I live with you because dad is mean to me?' My mom would just turn and look at me and say, "Because your daddy can support you better than I can" and she'd leave it at that. I'd often cry when the visit with my mom would come to an end. I tried desperately to tell her that my dad was mean to me. Mom listened, but never responded.

My mom and I are much more close these days (now that I'm older and independent of my father). I've asked that same question most recently of, "Was my father nice to you?" Finally she answered, "That man was very mean to me." Then I'd ask my mother, "Did dad ever hit you?" And she'd reply, "Yes. and once was enough." Finally, a break through had come. Now I knew for certain that my father hit on my mom also. It's no wonder she didn't come around as often as she should have. And when I described my childhood to my mom, she didn't act surprised in the least bit. She also didn't have much to say either. I realize now I was my dad's pawn in order to get my mom to come around.

At First I Was Angry

In thinking back when I first became deaf, deep down inside I became angry as hell. I was angry at the world. "Why did this have to happen to me?", I'd often asked myself. Then I began to realize not only couldn't I hear the outside world, but I also had to adjust to not hearing my own voice as I spoke. That meant my speaking voice became a voice which was a little louder than usual at first.  I was told in writing since I did not know American Sign Language at that time.

Communication soon became a challenge for me and a new strain on my relationship with my spouse. I have a ton of writing paper with conversations I had back then with my spouse. In order for our communication to become clear again, my spouse took in college an ASL class and even obtained an Associates Degree while doing so. How's that for love? Smiles. It's because of my spouse that I am becoming more fluent in Sign Language. Of course there are other sources that I am learning from as well. But my main source is my spouse of twenty-one years. Yes. My spouse is the same saucy red-head I mentioned in my previous writings. I honestly don't know what would have become of my life had it not been for my spouse finding me  support groups early on. And who say's true love doesn't exist?

I was even more angry at first because I couldn't walk. You see, for those of you that don't know, a human body get's it's balance from their inner ears called the Cochlear. When I was sick with Meningitis my inner ears (both of them) suffered severe damage. At first I honestly thought my hearing loss was only temporary, however my audiogram proved unlikely. Oh, I cried and I cried. My thoughts about the rest of my life ran wild. How was I ever going to survive. What job would hire me. I couldn't go back to my old career which was that of an Electrician.

For those of you that are reading this, just imagine if you will, being deaf for a day. Think about how that would impact your life. Being deaf late in life really takes courage which is what I'm finding with each passing day. The doctors don't know how I came to have Meningitis and apparently it's a deadly bacteria. Well, I've been doing some thinking about how I may have come into contact with the deadly bacteria. It has to do with my life before I became sick. This part I'm about to write about is truly a "secret". So stay tunned as I muster up the courage to do a "tell all" on my life. Let's just say my loosing my hearing is definitely due to GOD's divine intervention.

During The Last Four Years

It is four twenty-seven in the morning and I can't sleep. I just had a terrible dream. In my dream my spouse of twenty-one years is rape ping me (being very persistent). Why? Because for the last four years (ever since I lost my hearing), I have not been able to make love with my spouse. Why? Well it's a long story. And it all has to do with me and my low self esteem.

Grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and allow me to write my story for you.

When my spouse and I first met it was like an attraction similar to fire and wood. Put the two together and you have more fire kinda like a fire that people sit around to keep warm. People could see just how compatible we were. Some people were even jealous of our newly found fiery relationship. Oh, we (my spouse and I) were tight. You never saw us apart. If you saw one, then you'd see the other. You get the picture.

We met at a dance club called the Foxhole. I (at the time) was a very flirty and sexual being. I had had many sexual adventures so to speak then one day out of the blue comes this very persistent red-head who walks up to me (while I'm trying to get with this other person),  interrupts us and says to me, "Hi I'm .... (and says their name) as if I'm suppose to drop everything and converse with this new person (of whom I'm with today).

Well, it took me one week before I gave into this saucy red-head. And to this day, I have no regrets. Not only were we compatible in public, but behind closed doors our sex life was like a rocket which was always launching to new heights.

You never really realize what senses play a role in sexual behavior until you lose one. For me, it's sound and for some reason (now that I can't hear) my self-esteem and my sex life seem to have vanished.

And Here's The Reality

Even after four years, I am still having trouble adjusting to this new life. My days seem longer and my nights seem shorter. What I mean by that is during the day, the reality of not being able to hear cars, birds, voices, music, television, and being able to talk on the phone among other things are all gone now. Since it is summer break from college, (no stress of college) my days are filled with nothingness. My only escape is sitting on the computer and typing this blog. I am good at editing HTML coding and I do so on both my websites periodically just to have something to do. Although I'm glad it's summer break, I'm a bit bored in life. My nights are shorter because I sleep much better now that I can't hear anything. So I guess being deaf does have it's perks.

As I'm sitting here typing and taking a deep breath. I begin to visualize my life five years from now. I see myself working on a Software Development Team editing code. My dream is to one day be able to work from home either for someone, or for myself. But how do I communicate on my new job with my hearing co-workers? Is it such that I can have a full-time interpreter while I work an eight hour day? If there are any deaf employees reading my blog, please comment and share some light on this subject. Otherwise, what will become of my life now that I'm deaf?

College is certainly not easy for me because as I'm learning in my class (say English class), I'm also having learning sign language (while watching my two interpreters) at the same time.  While my grades so far are pretty good, however, I have hit a few bumps here and there. The stress level last semester almost caused me to drop out.  But luckily, I made it to the end of the semester, and it helps that I have people who are in my corner. It is in part because of them I've decided to continue pursuing my Computer Programming Degree.

What Shall I Do Now?

As I stare at the ceiling from my bed at two o'clock in the morning, I'm wondering what will I do with the rest of my life concerning my career goals. I have much experience with computers and yet I'm wondering just how I'm able to be competitive when it comes to getting an interview for hopefully the job of my dreams. My dream is to one day become a software developer and I'm currently working on a Computer Programming Associates degree. My concern is that my inability to hear will hinder my chances at an interview. I can imagine me and another person with the same credentials going head to head for the same job only that other person can hear and I can't. I wonder whom the employer to be will choose in the end? Then I have all these doubts about getting the opportunity to be a software developer, wondering just how I will communicate with other co-workers. Before I lost my hearing, I was an outgoing type person who easily made friends. Now, being hearing impaired/deaf I've become a more introverted person. Communication is the key, now if only I could figure out just how to do that. After talking with my psychologist, I was given the advice to use more sign language as I speak to others. That way I'm learning new signs all the time expecially when the other person also knows sign language. Truth is, interpreters are good for me to observe and deaf individuals are great for me to practice with. So, I've got to involve myself within the deaf community.  Another dream is to be able to use an interpreter while I'm at work. But who would provide such a service?

Luckily, there is a State Agency called the Division of Services for The Deaf and The Hard Of Hearing. They have been a tremendous help regarding deaf advocacy. That office provides the deaf community with technology devices such as a Captel Telephone (which displays spoken words on a screen so that the deaf individual will know what the hearing person is saying). Another handy device that the Agency provides is a strobe light (which is wired to your door bell and when it is pressed, the strobe light glistens), and yet another handy device the Agency provides is a vibrating device that is attached to a clock to be used as an alarm clock (that one puts under their pillow and when the alarm sounds, the vibrator goes off shacking the pillow to wake the deaf individual) so that they are not late for work. There are all sorts of technical devices that is offered by this Agency. Which reminds me, they even have a small hand-held keyboard used for communicating with a hearing person. I guess one could say, "Technology really is our friend." In thinking about all of this, there really is a way I could lead a productive life. 

Individuals that are born deaf lead very productive lives. It's much easier for them because they grew up within the deaf culture. As I've mentioned in my previous writings, a person who becomes deaf late in life has a much harder time adjusting. After four years of being deaf, I'm still adjusting and it is definitely not easy.    

Having Confidence While Being Deaf

Before I became deaf being confident was rather easy for me. I was more assertive and mostly a positive individual. Since becoming deaf as you can imagine, my positive attitude, assertiveness and confidence soon dwindled. For the first time in many years, I suddenly felt a sense of insecurity about my life and where I was headed. When I observe other deaf individuals, they seem happy in life with all the hopes, dreams and desires that a hearing person has. Only these deaf individuals were born deaf which makes a great deal of difference. Being born into the deaf culture, you learn at a very young age how to communicate using American sign Language. At a young age is also where your parents help guide you to being a more confident person. That is if your parents are deaf as well. But what if your parents are hearing and you as a child are deaf? Makes one wonder how that situation pans out. What I'm trying to say is unless you're born into the deaf culture, it's much harder to become confident because of the new communication barrier that now exists with someone who only now has become deaf. There is a saying in the deaf culture that says, "Technology is our friend." Deaf individuals who are born deaf are use to using a VP (Video Phone) of which I can own but with little knowledge of ASL, a VP would not help me. There are many reasons why my confidence is now lacking.

Often times when I'm in public with my spouse I find myself dependent on my spouse to help me understand what another person (hearing or deaf) might be saying to me. As much as I desire new friends, I'm finding it hard to share myself with others and that's only because I need to learn more ASL.

Lipreading is difficult because people pronounce the same words differently. When someone tries talking with me I immediately tell them I am deaf. But usually they keep right on talking until they realize I'm unresponsive. Being deaf in and of itself gets very lonely especially because I'm caught right in the middle of the hearing vs. the deaf world. By that I mean I can speak unlike someone who's born deaf. I wonder which is harder. Being born deaf and never having heard any sounds in life let alone the spoken word, or becoming deaf late in life having heard lovely sounds and how to speak properly only to have sound taken away by an illness? Go ahead a comment on my blog. I'd like to know your thoughts.

When I first became deaf

   

Deaf Riders Unite

          With no recollection of how I got here, three days later I awake suddenly deaf with hospital staff surrounding me.  One of the Doctors walks over to my bed and starts moving his mouth as if he were talking to me. My head is pounding with sound but this sound is not a familiar nor a describable sound. My ears feel like they have enormous plugs in them. And my head is spinning as if I'm continuously on a ride of some sort. Then the Doctors writes me a message and ask, "How do you feel today Ms. Warren." Puzzled at why he wrote to me instead of spoke to me, I then speak to him and say, "I feel dizzy. What is happening?" (as I panic) I could not hear a word I just spoke. And I panic some more.

     That was four years ago when I slowly accepted my deafness. You see, I came down with Meningitis and till this very day, I have no idea how I became so sick. It took me two years to adjust to my new life of having a disability.

     My life before my sudden hearing loss was that of the usual 9am-5pm worker bee. Only my hours were 6am-3pm Monday-Friday and often on Saturdays. I worked as an Electrician Apprentice. I'm sure your asking how does a woman fair in the construction industry. My answer is we don't. That industry is still very much a man's world and they would like to keep it that way. The caliber of men in the construction industry are those that were alcoholics, drug users, illegal immigrants, and bar goers. Sure, there were some upstanding men I worked around and even they claimed that a woman belongs in the house making babies and what not. It wasn't easy for me working everyday as an Electrician but I had bills to pay. I was gawked and heckled a lot unless I was holding a saw-zaw or carrying ten foot pieces of pipe then I became Rosie The Riviter. Although being an Electrician had it draw-backs, I truly enjoyed my trade and I was good at it. However, I could see the "Glass Ceiling" and I knew in the back of my mind that I had to find another career and soon. I worked as an Electrician for the last fifteen years of my life. Although I have other skills such as typing, software knowledge, and data entry skills, I knew my skills weren't enough to get me back into the "White Collar" industry. My high school diploma wasn't enough and I needed to obtain my Associated Degree. I wasn't eligible to return to college because I was in default on college loans already. So I truly did not know what to do. It seemed my life was at a dead end when suddenly I became ill and lost my hearing.

     In looking back it's almost a blessing in disguise. You see, because of my disability my old defaulted student loans were forgiven. In other words, they were dismissed and I could now go to college on a Pell Grant. And so I did. I am currently seeking an Associates Degree in Computer Programming.

     Stay tuned as I have much more to write about. GOD is GOOD!